3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
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He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer