Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
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there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.