Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.