Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
