The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
