I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
