my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
