R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
