meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
