I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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