Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
