i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
