FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
