i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
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i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...