I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.