Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE