So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.