I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE