i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do cheetos always look like penises
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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