at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.