i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
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Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.