did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she peed on how many people?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...