$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
