This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
