i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
