My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
