No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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