Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
