If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
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[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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