I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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