1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
they need to just BURY HIM!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
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