so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.