Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
