Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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