you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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