im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
