I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
