I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
