I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
