my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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