Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
