why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
