Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
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I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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