wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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