I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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