Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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