I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
