I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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