My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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