I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
