Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
