There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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