he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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