if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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