It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You did what with his pubic hair?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
