if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
