Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
