Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
