Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
