Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He better not be in your backpack
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
