Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
