I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
