Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
