This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
