I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Randomize