just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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