You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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