i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
