When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
